Thursday, December 11, 2014

You're the Actual Pussy

If you’ve never heard of A Voice for Men or Return of Kings, count yourself fortunate. Sadly as a man in his 30s, I’ve run across far too many douchebags who subscribe to this misogynistic bullshit. It’s been awhile since my last essay but I feel it’s good to come back with two full barrels of caustic verbal ammo aimed at some dysfunctional ducks.

I wasn’t aware of this concept of the “Manosphere” until about a year or two ago. Apparently there is a growing trend of writers, blogs, and websites devoted to “real” men. First things first: if you have to use the adjective “real” to describe yourself or the group you identify with, you’ve already lost the game. I’ve written at length before about the “No True Scotsman” fallacy so I won’t go into too much detail here. Suffice it to say, if you’re “real”, I’m glad I’m fake. I’d rather have someone take a soldering iron to my sack than be in the same room with the guys from the “Manosphere”.
Here’s their argument taken down to its basic tenet:
“Wwwwwaaaaahhhhh…women won’t let us be douchebags anymore!”
That’s the whole of their argument.
Paul Elam, the founder of A Voice for Men, recently went on “Manstream Media” (which sounds like a channel for men who enjoy receiving golden showers from other men, but I digress) to state how women in the workplace have removed the ability for men to be “excellent” anymore.
Hey dipshit, women and their vaginas at work isn’t the problem. You being a pussy is. Just because you don’t get to vomit out whatever dribbling, idiotic thought bursts into your amoeba-size brain doesn’t make you oppressed. It makes the workplace a less stressful environment than it already is. The workplace from “Mad Men” is not something we should aspire to regain. It’s a cautionary tale about how warped the workplace is when you only get one point of view.
Sack up and shut the fuck up. Get your work done. Go home and have a beer. Lather, rinse, and repeat.
It still shocks me that there are man-children like this running around. Sometimes I look at them and think perhaps Darwin was wrong. Then I remember that evolution works at a snail’s pace with complex organisms. Then all I can hope for is that whatever women married these asshats wakes up one day and makes them a grilled cheese sandwich with arsenic in the cheese and some rat poison for coffee creamer.
Then a friend of mine posted a link to another wonderful little page from the Return of Kings website (which sounds less regal when you realize it’s not talking about the teams from Sacremento or L.A.). The article my friend linked was “5 Lines That Potential Wives Cannot Cross”. I laughed and laughed while reading the article. These morons crack me the fuck up.
Allow me to break down the article into its singular, cogent points.
1. You don’t reject me, ever. Translation= I get sex whenever I want, regardless of your personal feelings on the matter.
2. I make the decisions, not you. Translation= I’m deathly afraid of independent thinking in women, which usually means I’m not getting laid.
3. Contraceptives and abortion are murder. Translation= My beer-marinated sperm are simply too valuable to kill off. You might be killing off a future wife-beater or restroom attendant.
4. I don’t touch children till they can walk. Translation= My sleep schedule cannot be disturbed, even if the reason for the disruption came out of my dick.
5. You have left your old family and joined mine. Translation= Stop talking to your family because they might see through my bullshit and convince you to leave.
This is traditional marriage to these guys. Why? Because with this schedule, they believe that their wife won’t have time to cheat on them. I’ve got news for these morons. While you’re off at work and she’s left the kid in daycare, there are about 4 or 5 hours where she’s by herself. And if you’re this much of a tool, she’s probably got one or two on the side.
The fact is these guys wouldn’t know what being a man is all about if it literally crawled inside them. Being a man means keeping your commitments, treating others as you want them to treat you, having a partner who loves and supports you and who in turn you love and support, and sometimes getting the things you want but making damn sure you get the things you need.

This life is not all about your wants and supposed “needs”. This life is the sum-total of existence and you’d better grasp the fact the universe does not revolve around your whims pretty fucking quick. 

1 comment:

  1. This is awesome! The only part that nerved me was the restroom attendant comment. Ive been a restroom attendant and its a dirty job but the money was decent. Lol hugs

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