Everyone’s kinky in their own way. At least that’s been my experience.
The kink community has a word for people not involved in the kink lifestyle: Vanilla. It’s often used as a derogatory statement rather than to explain any sharp difference between the two groups. Vanilla sex is any sexual activity that doesn’t involve some level of kink to it. The problem is that kinky is a relative term, one that makes me smile when I hear people use it as an objective noun or adjective. It’s a term open to a certain amount of interpretation. Every person I’ve met or been intimate with had some form of aberration in their sexual make-up. What I’ve seen and experienced, plus has been revealed through conversations with others and their experiences, is that kinky is simply a matter of degrees.
For me, vanilla sex is more about attitude than anything else, as in the complete absence of it. Mechanical sex with no passion or energy is vanilla. Sex is a primary impulse of the human animal, much like food is. It has a dark side, with extremes of behavior that could make even the most jaded libertine blush. Kinky behavior often enters that forbidden territory, skirting the abyss in exploration of new experiences. To be vanilla, as I define it, means one might as well be a corpse.
But what defines kinky behavior? Anything that is an aberration from the societal norms would be the easy answer. American culture has had a puerile imagination for as long as I’ve been alive and long before that. Our sexual mores are surprisingly mundane given how focused on it our culture is. For a great majority of “vanilla” people, kinky sex means simply having sex in someplace other than a bed. Public sex has always been a popular kink, right up there with having sex in the office during the work day. For some, anal sex is the kink they indulge in from time to time.
Some kinks are decidedly non-sexual in nature. An example would be what I like to call the “Ozzie and Harriet” kink or as it’s better well-known in the community as the 1950s household. Sex doesn’t even factor into it. Instead it is a mindset and a way of daily living that some find emotionally gratifying. Another kink that I know some are into is called financial domination. The Dominant in the relationship, whether they be male or female (and it’s a toss-up as to which will be the one in control), will take full financial control of the other party. Some use it to be pampered while others might use it as a form of reward/punishment for behavior on behalf of the submissive.
Within the kink community there are a wide variety of activities that one can engage in. Ask anyone in the “vanilla” population what they think of when discussing fetish and you’re likely to hear a description involving whips, chains, bondage, latex, and sadism/masochism. These implements certainly are a part of the lifestyle but not one that everyone engages in. To say that sadism/masochism and bondage are all the fetish lifestyle is about is like saying the carburetor is all that makes up a car. The above mentioned kinks are a few examples of aspects of the lifestyle. Others would include things like needleplay, fire-cupping, capture scenes, takedown scenes, and Dominance/submission scenes. Even these don’t cover the full breadth and width of the lifestyle.
If you like kink or think about trying something kinky, be honest about it. Honesty in sexual matters is not discussed enough in American culture. As a young person, I was not taught how to approach sexuality with honest communication. I had to learn it, through trial and error. My experience has shown me that just about everyone has one or more kinks in their sexual desires. Accept it and live with it. Make it a part of your life. You might actually get to enjoy life for a little while.