I did not watch the Grammys live. I work overnights and I don’t have cable TV. I did watch the highlights the next morning, including the marriage ceremony administered by Queen Latifah (who I’ve been a fan of since I heard “U.N.I.T.Y.” as a teenager). And then I saw the punditry trolls come out in force to piss on the happy moment. All this vitriol being vomited out into the interwebs is because the Grammy marriage ceremony had heterosexual and homosexual couples.
Perhaps anti-gay conservatives saw this moment and thought of Colonel Kurtz’s horror in Apocalypse Now.
The pundit outrage seems to think that this was an event worse than any other televised event. I disagree. Watching these classless morons stumble through half-baked commentaries on the dangers of the “homosexual agenda” is worse. 33 couples got a wedding they will remember for the rest of their lives, even if the marriages themselves don’t survive.
But marriage equality is a cause of mine and, me being me, gives me reason to tear some people a new ass.
Starting with Todd Starnes, who I’d never heard of up this point. Apparently this fucker is one of the lesser pundits on Bullshit Mountain (and I will love Jon Stewart forever for coining that phrase). Starnes had some harsh tweets concerning the Grammy event, particularly when he wrote “Here it comes- the Grammys are mocking marriage” or “This was not about marriage. This was about bashing God and the church. #grammys”.
To Mr. Starnes, I say this: you are an asshole, sir, a gaping asshole. You claim to back traditional biblical marriage but neglect to remember or acknowledge that biblical marriages run the gamut from monogamy to polygamy, not mention incest if you take the creation account to be literal. If your bible is the inerrant word of an all-powerful deity and you’re not pursuing multiple wives, you’re standing in defiance of your god’s holy words. You, Mr. Starnes, and Christians like you are the reason many of your fellow Christians refuse to identify themselves as Christians, preferring instead to standing among the Non-affiliated with atheists like me. They don’t want to be associated publicly with a religion that they share with spiteful, hate-filled assholes like you.
And before it’s mentioned by anyone, No True Scotsman.
To borrow a line from Penn Jillette, and then there’s this asshole, Jim Hoft. A writer for thegatewaypundit.com had this little quip, “[The Grammys] were all about true love- as long as you agree with them. If you don’t agree, you get ridiculed and attacked”.
The LGBTQ community is attacked and mocked. Christians like Hoft are just butt-hurt that their religious preferences aren’t treated like gospel by the majority of Americans anymore. Every time a parent casts out their teenage son or daughter for being gay should be considered an attack. A mass wedding with straight and queer couples is a joyous event. Hoft would recognize this if he had chosen to not yolk his humanity and morality under the burden of a narrow-minded, hateful version of religion.
Then there’s Bryan Fischer, mouthpiece for the American Family Association. Fischer and I have traded words on Twitter more than a few times. If there was a Batshit Christian Bigotry Award, this asshole would be in a neck-and-neck race with Kirk Cameron and Ken Ham (the dark horse of the race would be Tony Perkins). Fischer went to Twitter to inform his legion of homophobic Neanderthal followers that the Grammys will “feature sodomy-based wedding ceremonies”.
He’s such a charming bigot, isn’t he?
Let me ask a few questions. The ceremony had a mixture of straight and queer couples. Is it wrong if the straight couples engage in some wedding night sodomy? (If they do, more’s the better for them!) Or is it only evil when a man fucks another man in the ass? What about the lesbians, who have to buy extra equipment for a proper night of buggery (unless fisting is on the menu)?
Fischer is a troll of the highest order. Part of me is cynical enough to think Fischer doesn’t believe the bullshit he spews out and is in this strictly for the money. Unfortunately, I think that’s wishful thinking on my part. Escaped abortions like Fischer are Christians that make Christianity as undesirable as a case of herpes. Why anyone would associate with a faith teeming with clowns from the recessive end of the gene pool stretches my imagination at times.
(On a side note: if you’re Christian, don’t message me that you’re not all like these assholes. I know that. Tell them.)
And finally there is Kirk Cameron, that strange, strange little man. I saw his Facebook post about the Grammys. Obviously being a Christian doesn’t stop someone from shamelessly shilling their products like a used-car salesperson.
I take that back. Used-car salespeople are more honest.
The last time I saw this much blatant product placement, I was watching a young George Clooney in Return of the Killer Tomatoes. Obviously Cameron forgot the part of the bible that commands Christians to not judge lest they be judged along the same measure. Perhaps he skipped the part of the bible that say only their god gets to decide who is and is not part of his family. Most importantly, Cameron and Christians like him have forgotten one simple truth: LGBTQ people are human beings who deserve the same rights and privileges they take for granted.
To Kirk, I say this: you are an oxygen-thief and you need to stop stealing the air of the collective human race. Take your pre-millennial dispensationalism, your crocoduck bullshit, and your shitty films and go away. Your backwards superstitions and blatant bigotry have no place in the 21st century. Some of us actually want peaceful relations with other human beings. Some of us don’t care what you believe in as long as you don’t try to force the rest of us to live according to your colossal blunder of a religion.
To the people I’ve mentioned above and the millions of people who share their batshit bigotry, you’re on the wrong side of history. Be prepared to be lumped in with the KKK, skinheads, and myriad racist groups in a few decades as examples of despicable and small-minded we humans can be. Enjoy the derision of history, assholes.